Don't speak to her!

Okay, my mom is crazy and vindictive. It's true, she really is. Here is a prime example:

Sunday I wasn't in the best mood, I'll admit that. Maybe I was PMSing or something but I was not wanting to be touched. No, I didn't give any warning, which I usually do. When mom tried to get me on her hand so she could move me from my perch to the cage since she and Big Daddy Dave were going to the farmers market, I decided to bite the holy crap out of her finger! Yes, I drew blood and a few choice words from her vile mouth!

Since I can't be spanked, mom decided to punish me in a different way--she stopped talking or looking at me for the rest of the day. And, get this...as she and Daddy were leaving for the market, she told him to not answer me when I said my usual, "See you later" routine as they walked out the door. Can you imagine giving a parrot the silent treatment?

The next morning as mom is uncovering my cage, Daddy asks, "Am I allowed to talk to her yet?"

This isn't really her injuries but darn close!

My Yearly Molestation

That's right...move that hand just a little closer while I pretend I'm sweetly waiting for you to scratch the back of my neck. Don't I look innocent? Who could resist?

Seriously, I'm supposed to believe that ugly gray towel is another African Grey or my mother? What do you take me for, a simpleton?

After all of my futile efforts the outcome is always the same...my Vet wins. I need to rethink my actions before my next physical!

Fishies

Don't forget to click on my fish to feed them. They're very hungry!

Mom and Yoga

Breathe deeply and slowly. Relax into the moment. Release all of your cares and the imagined future. Stretch upward toward the sky. Stretch deeply into Sun Salutation and slowly go into Downward Facing Dog...

I'm perched in my carrier watching Mom contort her body into positions it shouldn't be twisted into and it looks so painful I just can't help myself and yell, "Ouch!"

This is a great way to end a Yoga session. Mom collapsed on the floor in laughter and Max thought she was playing so he jumped on the top of her head.

And that my friends, is how we do Yoga in this house!

She ticked me off!!

So, mom decided to do her 20-minute meditation this morning and I decided I wanted to sit next to her while she did and she decided I wasn't going to so I decided to chirp and yell her name and she closed her eyes and turned up the volume on her headset and I decided to pace back and forth on my carrier perch like a crazy parrot and she cranked up the volume even more so this is what I did to my perch...

That's just the way I roll...

We lived on the top floor of an ultra cool sky flat in Minnesota. That explains the painted concrete floor I'm walking on. Actually, I was doing more than walking but pacing back and forth in front of the closed bathroom door.

You see, Big Daddy Dave got just a little too close to my perch because he wasn't paying attention so I decided he had invaded my personal space and I tried to jump on him, which scared the living you know what out of him and he ran while yelling mom's name.

It wasn't so much that he closed the bathroom door but locked it as well! Mom had to explain that I hadn't learned how to unlock doors yet! When I do, he's in big trouble.

Out of respect for my friend, Annie, who recently lost the love of her life, Dennis, and because of the shooting rampage in Tucson, I won't be posting this week.

God bless all of you.

Food-Food-Food!

Mom is so anal about my diet! You see, a few years ago my Vet told mom I was overweight. Everyone else in our family is getting hefty so why not me?

Anyhoot, she goes all strict on me and starts forcing me to eat veggies along with fruit and pellets and since I'm a female, she has to watch my calcium intake so that means I also eat boiled egg shells. All in all, it's not so bad.

When mom goes grocery shopping the cashiers always remark on what a healthy eater she is because of all the produce in her basket. She just smiles like she's the one eating all this organic stuff. I'm sure, behind her back, they are wondering how a woman can be so chunky eating so healthy? It's a mystery, isn't it?

It's about Max...

Look at this poor baby. No doubt he has spent the majority of his life in this "cage" and has run his heart out for his owner. Look at those eyes!

This is Max and yes, he is smiling!

I want to tell you about my dog brother, Max, or as his racing name proclaims: UCME Maxwell. However, I think they probably called him “Hey you!” because they don’t honor Greyhounds by using their names since they didn’t want some gambling, betting idiot to call their names from the grandstands and distract them.

Humans discover certain animals have a talent and they find a way to exploit and use them for personal gain. They use the word “broke” when it comes to training and in the process, the animal’s spirit is also broken because irresponsible people become abusive and only think of the money some poor creature can bring their way.

When my family adopted Max he was confused from being passed around as he was termed a “problem” dog given the fact he didn’t like other animals. His back legs were bald from being kenneled and his eyes showed the need for a loving forever home. For the first few weeks he would only sleep in a small corner of the bedroom like he was still in a kennel.

Today, Max sleeps on designer pillows and even has his own water bed. He gets a daily brushing and loves his trips to the dog park for a short burst of running (they aren’t built for endurance) and he is deeply loved.

I want to encourage all of you to consider adopting a retired Greyhound. They are so loyal and loving and gave so much for the unethical trainers who easily disposed of them when they didn’t win. They deserve better. They deserve a loving home that only you can offer. Please, for me, consider this.

Merry Christmas!

I can't wait to hear what all of you received for Christmas! I'll get my usual ping pong balls (don't knock it until you've tried it!) and thanks to Pickles the Parrot, I will also receive a few balls stuffed full of wooden beads!

Of course, there is always that one present we could do without or don't like and this is mine for this year:

A flippin' stroller/backpack! This means I'll be required to be a part of the Family Walks/strolls/whatever!

I don't like this thing! I've gone on one walk and have been biting mom everytime she attempts to shove me back into this bird prison on wheels! She doesn't seem to care one bit either because she forces me inside saying that this foolishness has gone on too long and she's sick and tired of me being a baby!

So that said, Merry Freaking Christmas!

Cougars?

I receive strange emails and especially interesting since I'm a bird. How do these humans find me?

Jews for Jesus, Single Christian Dating sites, coupons for shopping or eating at certain restaurants. But, the email that claimed there were Cougars waiting to meet me was frightening! At first I thought maybe there were real Cougars that wanted to meet me for lunch or dinner meaning I would be the entree and they would be belching feathers afterward.

Why do humans have tags for certain personalities? A Cougar is an older, slightly wealthy woman who likes younger men. They must want and need to raise and operate a man.

What about older men who only date younger women? Why isn't there an animal name for them? Or...maybe there is...foolish old goat.

Not Your Ordinary Bath

I don't like my bath time. I don't like water. I don't like spraying water. I don't like getting wet. I don't like the kitchen sink.

I especially don't like having a kitchen towel wrapped around me. But, mom says I start smelling like a dirty horse blanket so that is when I'm put through the torture of a shower.

And then...there is my Facebook friend, Birdie Alice, who seems to be happy as a pig in mud when it comes to bath time.

Look at her! Soaking in a casserole dish without a care in the world. Here is my problem with this picture of her: What if it isn't water she's marinating in but...brine?

Rocking My World

When mom uncovers my cage every morning, I'm always hanging upside down. I also hang upside down when she covers my condo at night. She is beginning to think that I sleep upside down all night.

I think she sleeps with her head up her butt because her hair always looks like a wedgie every morning.

Teching Fingers

   

       Between the Internet and cell phones, humans are never completely isolated. It’s no wonder you are on overload and argue over silly things and run each other off the road while screaming obscenities! This is why you see houses in the middle of Nowhere, Arizona. Some folks just couldn’t take it anymore and had to get away from their own species. There’s a reason some people prefer living in the desert with rattlesnakes and scorpions! Keep in mind—there is no sky rage  (the avian version of road rage) in the forest.

I’m a practical girl so I’m able to recognize the benefits of technology too. You’re able to go online and research my wonderfulness—my greatness, while admiring pictures of me. What?

Just don't text me because when I try to reply, I leave beak marks on the cell phone and mom gets upset and it just isn't worth the grief!

Too Much Tech?

Does this mean that you think technology is bad?

If overuse is an issue—yes. Humans seem to be stressing themselves (along with irritating each other) more than ever, but I’m sure texting is an effective tool for people who don’t know the difference between dating and taking hostages and feel compelled to stay in touch with their significant other 24/7. Your anxiety levels are higher than your cell phone bills! Even when you aren’t physically together, you still are connected because you’re joined at the hip via technology! And kids don’t even know how to spell anymore because it’s become an abbreviated society, with dialogue consisting of expressions like, LOL, BRB and WTH! All of your contacts follow you around, always able to stay connected. It’s almost like being stalked. And you think the jungle is creepy…

A High Tech Bird on a Low Tech Perch

Why do you like to mimic phone ringtones?

            Because my breed likes to imitate noisy, irritating sounds! And, it’s a never-ending vocal exercise for me because the members of my human family, and their visiting relatives, have so many different ringtones that I’m never short on material!

            Mom has the song “Mustang Sally” set as her ringtone. (Will she ever grow up?) My dad has a very loud ring that he still can’t hear so he misses calls—therefore, I’ve learned to imitate a phone that is never answered. My brother, Derek, has a new sound on his phone every time he visits so there’s always a rock-and-roll tune blaring from his pocket.

            My mom recently came home with a Motorola Droid cell phone. It does everything but wipe her nose! I’ve been watching from the sidelines as she reads the booklet that came with it in a useless effort to understand how it works. You know you’re in over your head when you have to ask your granddaughter how to answer the phone and trust me, she’s drowning! This is a woman who needs to call Best Buy’s Geek Squad to turn on the television.

            My dad is usually on home phone duty because mom ignores it, which makes him crazy. If it rings; it must be answered (I think there’s a movie title in there somewhere). Actually, I’ve seen her roll her eyes when any telephone goes off so I have to question why she just took herself deeper into technology with the Droid. She currently has the landline phone (the one she doesn’t answer) next to her cell phone (the one she can’t figure out how to answer), which is next to her laptop. I’m waiting for her desk to catch fire. I think she’s in danger of high-teching herself into a mental hospital.

Good Birds

Birdies are good little creatures. We don't try to hurt people and we don't bring pain and suffering to our chicks so why are we caged? It should be the mean humans who are put in cages. Oh wait...they are. It's called jail!

Missing in Action

I'm feeling blue because my human mom is under the weather. As soon as I can nudge her back to health, we'll be posting again.

My last view of religion

So, when you use your one bad word you don’t think it’s a sin?

                Oh, child, child, child…I’m a bird! I am without sin because I don’t have a soul! Maybe I’ll end up in a great nest in the sky. I don’t know…I don’t worry about it. I just live the best life I can and stay positive. But, I have noticed some humans stress about hell so much they are no earthly good. What kind of existence is that?

                And, being of the aviary persuasion, I see things differently than you do. For example, let’s take the commandment to not use God’s name in vain. I understand that you see it as cursing but from my bird’s eye view, it’s the people who take money from others in the name of God that this applies to. You know who you are and what I’m talking about and your private jet is pictured below! Disgraceful--absolutely disgraceful. I want to bite off your lips!

Sometimes when mom is channel surfing and gets distracted and leaves the room, I’m left alone and forced into watching whatever program happens to be blaring from the television. So, one day I see this man with very strange hair (he has parted it above the top of his ear and it is swept across to the other side of his head) who was preaching in another country and he has people lined up and waiting to stand next to him on an enormous stage. And then—he breathes on them and they collapse like cheap picnic tables. One after the other, they fall and lie on the ground. I’m watching this thinking; he might want to buy some mouthwash. And then, baskets are passed around and people stuff them full of money and probably so he can afford to go to the dentist. It was very interesting and is, what I believe, called televangelism.